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Archive for May, 2012


5-24-12
Will I ever… ever get out of this funk?! I have no passion, no drive, no future visions. Do I need drugs, a therapist, a kick in the ass? Every day seems as bad as the last one. I try.. I really do. I’ve been dating, I’ve been “getting out there”, I been trying to find my place again… I wonder if there is a place.. a place of joy and contentment? My life is a whirlwind of ups and downs, more down than up. What is wrong with me and more importantly, HOW DO I FIX IT? I try to garden, I try to write (only when I need to release my sadness). I try to go dancing, I seek to find a “something” that will bring me some passion and zest for life… nothing.. no THING.
Nobody I’ve went out with fits the bill. Nobody gives me a spark.. no one gets me excited and in a place of wanting to be with them. Where have I gone…how do I find me again?

Am I; for the rest of my life to feel this anguish? Will I ever be “happy” like I used to be? How do you MAKE yourself move on? How do you find the push you need? Do I just need to walk this path and let it unfold with no effort of mine? Can you FIX something when you don’t know how? Do you punt your way through each day of your life hoping to find that spiritual enlightenment that will make it all come together? Do you just wake up one day and say… TA DA.. it’s a new day and it’s all over now? Do you finally fall out of love, one day you awake and the world is bright and beautiful again? HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN – WILL IT HAPPEN?

I’m so angry with ME ‘cause I can’t get a grip on ME. I’m so frustrated because I KNOW how it’s supposed to be, how I’m supposed to be! This is NOT me…. Or is it? Is this whom I have become.. is the “me” for the rest of my life? Some poor romantic, loving only one.. one she can’t have? Will I go to my grave like many have; lost in a sea of what could have beens’? Destined to live my life alone.. because I can’t have the one I want. Because that “one” has died from my life? What ta hell is wrong with me?

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Funny how things unravel the way they do.  I had a client a week or so ago, she came in not knowing for sure if she wanted a massage, Reiki or a EFT. We talked for a moment or two and within just those few moments she revealed that when she was young she had been molested. I’ve heard this story far to often.  Her tears flowed like a slow summer nights rain. Down her cheeks, onto her neck and softly hitting her chest. This was the very first time in these forty plus years that she has ever..ever, spoken to anyone about this.  The release she shared was extraordinary! The untold secret had found a release, a place safe and wholesome and free.  What an amazing blessing she gave ME, from within the depths of her soul. We talked for a long time, did some EFT and then finished with a Reiki session. When she left, not only did feel better, but she actually “looked” different. Not just lighter.. but physically she looked different.

The sacred trinity had completed it calling. Source Energy, the spirit within her, that same spirit within me worked together again to form that strong braid of completeness.

I’m sure her journey is now just beginning. I’m sure she will now be open to the oneness within us all that reaches far beyond the surface into that blessed space we call heart.

I am filled with gratitude for this opportunity to share in sacred oneness, for this opportunity to say… ” I help because you are holy”. Namaste.

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Empty space, within and without; always looking, always thinking, rarely an hour of peace, rarely a heart of total joy, rarely a glimpse of love. Will it ever go away, will it ever end? What a marathon rat race in my head, deep within the soul of this never-ending journey.

I went to an indoor football game last night (Saginaw Sting), great fun, for a while. Excitement, happiness, lots of noise and silliness. My family (mostly my daughter and I) laughed and just enjoyed our time together. Until I got home, then the quiet began. I know; I should make peace with the quiet. I should embrace the silence, meditate, be calm, and connect with Source. But the billiard balls in my head keep slamming against my skull, Bam! Bam! Bam! With each jolt I become more aware of the emptiness that lies within me; that uncomfortable aloneness. It haunts me, the absence of the others heartbeat, not hearing the still and contented breaths of his, within the gaps of my own. The nighttime and Sundays… always bring me down.

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