Archive for the ‘Wind & The Willow’ Category

Empty space, within and without; always looking, always thinking, rarely an hour of peace, rarely a heart of total joy, rarely a glimpse of love. Will it ever go away, will it ever end? What a marathon rat race in my head, deep within the soul of this never-ending journey.

I went to an indoor football game last night (Saginaw Sting), great fun, for a while. Excitement, happiness, lots of noise and silliness. My family (mostly my daughter and I) laughed and just enjoyed our time together. Until I got home, then the quiet began. I know; I should make peace with the quiet. I should embrace the silence, meditate, be calm, and connect with Source. But the billiard balls in my head keep slamming against my skull, Bam! Bam! Bam! With each jolt I become more aware of the emptiness that lies within me; that uncomfortable aloneness. It haunts me, the absence of the others heartbeat, not hearing the still and contented breaths of his, within the gaps of my own. The nighttime and Sundays… always bring me down.


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Lonely People

It amazes me how many people I talk to that are lonely.  Just wishing for the company of a significant other. Someone to simply talk with, laugh with, watch a movie with, do something simple with.

My heart breaks when I hear their words. It frustrates me to know how many people are surrounded by MANY other people and still feel empty, almost abandoned. We all reach out the best we can and still fall short of the intimacy that we so desire.  Why are we made to couple, tribe and community and yet find only emptiness?

Is it a universal problem?  Does this happen to those in the tribes/cities of Africa, the plains of Australia, the cities of New York, and the hills of England?  Do some feel that way in Alaska and France? Within each home with dimly lit windows do people sit alone and empty within their hearts?  Jezz! I would imagine so. What’s up with that?

Is that why so many go to bars, coffee shops, Barnes and Nobles and church? To gain that sense of community? To hear the breath of another, to see somber faces and to brush up against a stranger?

“People who need people are the luckiest people in the world”… so the song says.  I’m not real sure about that. It seems too many people are continually in a state of need.

Maybe we/they have massive personality problems, or maybe we are to demanding to keep friends, loves, and confidants? Maybe it’s just a f*&ed up mess and there is not much we can do about it.

Maybe we just need to “go inside” and find our god self, our true self. Seek and find happiness within ourselves?  That takes me back to the need for PEOPLE in our lives.  And the wheels go round and round.

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Life and Love

“Maybe it’s not about trying to fix something broken. Maybe it’s about starting over and creating something better.”

Just saw this post on FB; made me think of a situation I am aware of right now.  I see a couple floundering in what was love and now has seemed to switch to dismay and something more akin to a somewhat uncomfortable form of familiarity.  Hearts have been hurt, pain has been inflicted; not necessarily on purpose, but truly there and felt.

Where will this go, how will this end?  Really, should it end? The life of each of waxes and wanes as well as the lives of both collectively, together…yet they hang on. Is the tide in or out, how long does it stay in either position?  Will it hurt, cause feeling to dry up and die?

I see the fear, the anxiety in their eyes, but I also see the uneasiness, the frustration and ambiguity. Will disruption happen again, will pain reoccur?  How do you stop it?  Or should you? Is it important to stop it or should one just let things unfold?  Were these just growing pains, or just part of a personality now put up-front and center to be seen and felt?  Should they try again, to connect or let it go as love lost, and on to the next life lesson?  Or, are these the times when you “decide” to love, no matter what? Is love always a matter of the heart, or do we need to use our more cognitive brain to figure it out? Should they fix it? Should they try to start anew? Should they cut their losses and move on?  Humm… it seems to me that it must always go back to the heart. Is the love strong enough, desired enough to continue on? What are your thoughts?

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The bright morning sun falls quietly in my kitchen window as I sit here and contemplate the nature of this day.  I’m not sure what I’m feeling right now.

My Doxie sits enjoying the morning sun also, he looks more peaceful than I right now.  Just resting, being in the now.   New age music plays softly in the background, enjoying my second cup of cappuccino and searching.  Yet I don’t really know what I’m searching for.  Sunday mornings are “different” for me.  In my mind it’s a time of togetherness.  A time to sit with someone you love, drinking your beverage of the morning, talking, laughing, saying “good morning, I love you”.  A quiet yet connecting time, a special time designed for just you and your chosen love.  A time of no rushing, not having to be somewhere, no objectives to meet, no goals to concur. Just a few moments of peace, quiet and love.

Yet here I sit, as I do many Sunday mornings, trying to figure out how to just “be” or how to “do” something to fill this empty void of nothingness. You would think by my age I would be able to be just happy with me.. notta.  So, in the morning glow of sunshine, I sit and try to un-scramble this thing called “my life”.

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